What an amazing day it will be

Imagine being alive with thousands of wounds in your body. This is the visual of my life, yet the world is blind to my pain.

“You will not be okay.” These are the only words we want to hear when we feel numb in this world. Battling emotions is harder than battling a virus; being in a constant battle inside your own head. Getting better is not part of my plan; not quite the last step. The suffering in my life is something I have learned to live with. Every step of my life, it follows me. Pain is not the result, yet a reward. This shows that the emotions are becoming greater, meaning I am further away from the end… At least that's what most people wish to be the end. My story, I hope ends differently; a quick goodbye when I have had enough of the battle. Soldiers at war do whatever they can to survive, until that one shot. The one shot that wounds them, changing their whole mentality. They begin to give up, knowing they are close to the end. Imagine being alive with thousands of wounds in your body. This is the visual of my life, yet the world is blind to my pain. Every day, another shot at my body, resulting in another fall. “You have to give up,” the voices say. The voices indulge in my pain; they feed off of the trauma. The wounds in my body become visible at night. During the day, I hide all the pain within me by drawing a smile on my face. The nighttime washes away the smile when the defending demons come out to attack my body, once again. Cornered in my room, I freeze with fear. They tell me how easy it is to let go of all the pain, but first, they remind me of everything. “Everything” can be interpreted in so many ways, but this time, it truly means every single thing. A million thoughts flash through my head, yet I cannot remember any of them. They inflict unexplainable pain. Every painful thought or memory goes through my head, yet seconds later, I cannot remember the thoughts. If I were asked what I was thinking about, I probably would not remember, unless it was one second after it flashed through my head. My mind decides to block away various thoughts. The dark thoughts are hard to understand unless you have felt them before. We do not just think of sad things; our minds wander into a darker place: A place full of constant overthinking and worrying. Thinking about every mistake I have ever made and questioning my choices is something uncontrollable. I begin to think about any overwhelming experience which urges me to scream. Internally, the screaming has become a repetitive pattern. Maybe this is a result of previous trauma, but it is something that calms my anxiety. Screaming in a way that no one can hear calms any unsettling anxiety in my body.

I cannot imagine a day where I wake up and think about what an amazing day it will be. Every day becomes more dreadful than the previous. Waking up with tears filling your eyes is a feeling no one should experience; no one other than me. My suffering is well deserved. I did not do anything wrong, but I blame myself for many things. It is easier for me to cope with my challenges, by pinning them on myself. This way, I feel pain and I do not need to feel anyone else’s. My biggest challenge is avoiding external pain. It is very difficult for me to see someone in pain without experiencing their pain. If my friend’s mother passed away, I will begin to feel as if my mother passed away. It is something inevitable for me because it happens naturally. Most people find this to be pointless because you simply worry about something twice. Although you get to that point where you begin to enjoy suffering. It has become a part of me; a part of me that I no longer want to change. 

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